The Wish a Heart Makes
by Kippling Croft
Summary: Just a little peek into Jane's head somewhere around the second or third season. One shot, please R&R


Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

This has been on my computer for forever it was meant to be a full story but that never happened so I thought I would just post it as a one shot.

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 **The wish a heart makes**

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Jane walked up to Lisbon's front door. This was the first time he had been back here since the whole debacle with that shiftless psychiatrist Carmen, who had tried to frame her for murder. This was Lisbon's sanctuary and though Jane had precious little respect for people's privacy he did respect Lisbon and the rest of her team enough not to invade their homes uninvited. But after the mess, largely of his own making, earlier that day he just couldn't wait 'til she came to work the next day to talk to her. And he couldn't just talk to her over the phone mainly because she just wouldn't pick up. And the few times he had gotten through to her; using Cho's phone, she had just ended up hanging up on him, not that he could really blame her. He honestly didn't know why he had acted the way he had. It wasn't like he was trying to hurt her and yet he had and he knew it. Lisbon's green eyes so full of hurt looking up at him had surprised him a bit. He had been expecting to see anger, censure or annoyance or perhaps all of the above like he always did after he pulled some stunt or said something she didn't like but not the hurt and disappointment. Seeing that had sent a sharp pain to his chest that even now just remembering it made his chest tighten uncomfortably.

Jane shook the image of her injured green eyes out of his head and reached up to knock on the door but hesitated, unsure, he rarely if ever cleaned up after his own 'messes' he wasn't quite sure how to do this. Lisbon was the one who smoothed the waters after he had come splashing through. Jane pulled himself together and gave her door three strong raps with his knuckles. He heard some movement inside and knew that she was now at the door. He waited a moment expecting her to open the door but it remained firmly unmoved, "Lisbon? Lisbon, I know you are at the door there's no use in pretending you're not home." He waited for her to answer but nothing happened.

"Lisbon, please, I just want to talk. Let me in I really don't want to yell at you through the door where all your neighbors can hear but I will if I have to," Jane threatened his voice getting just a little louder with each word.

The door finally swung open to reveal a very angry Teresa Lisbon glaring at him. Jane smiled at her and walked right past her into her home without an invitation. Lisbon stood at the door a moment before taking a deep breath and shutting it and walking into her living room where Jane had made his way to. She crossed arms in front of her still shooting mental daggers his way and waited for him to start talking.

Jane frowned, "I know your upset about what happened today..." she scoffed at that but he continued on as if he hadn't heard her, "I hadn't meant to hurt you and I'm sorry that I did."

Jane waited for her to explode at him to yell but no she just stood there quiet, still and as unmoving as a statue. The only indication she had heard him at all was the fact she was still trying to burn holes in him with her eyes. He resisted the urge to rub his chest where her laser like gaze was fixed. "Lisbon I know..."

"That's just it, you don't know." Lisbon cut him off while she advanced on him pointing an accusing finger at him. "You always think you know but you don't. You humiliated me today Jane. Me, not Agent Lisbon, not the CBI, me. You humiliated me the same way you do people while we're on a case. You find old wounds and you pick and pick at them 'til they bleed. Why Jane? Why did you do that? Are you really so miserable in your own life that you can't stand to let others be happy or find comfort without you trying to undermine it in some way? Or were you just so bored with your day that you had to do that to me? Is it too much to ask that I get to have a life outside of the CBI without you invading it somehow?"

Jane couldn't stop himself from flinching away from her sharp words. What she had said hurt more then anything had in quite a while, but if he were honest it was no less than what he dissevered. Jane took the last step that separated them and lightly put his hands on her shoulders. She stiffened under his touch but didn't pull away and that gave him some hope. He wasn't quite sure what to say after that because truth be told he really didn't know why he had done and said the things he had.

"Lisbon, Teresa, I am sorry for today I should never have said what I had. I know I should have stayed out of it and I'm sorry I didn't." Jane said and found that for the first time in more years then he cared to remember he truly meant it. She looked up at him as if trying to see if he were really being honest with her. Jane just stood there willing her to see the truth in his eyes. This was it either she would believe him or he was going to lose her. He didn't know when it had become so important to him that she be in his life, be his friend but it was. The thought that she might cut him out of her life scared him and made his heartache. Lisbon seemed to find what she was looking for in his eyes and her whole body seemed to deflate all the former stiffness melted away.

Utterly relieved that she believed him if not exactly forgiven him Jane impulsively pulled her into a hug. Slowly Lisbon's arms wrapped around him as well returning the hug. Jane buried his face in her hair, her cinnamon, apple and spicy scent filled his nose and made him glad to know it wouldn't be missing from his life nor would any of the million and one other little things that made Lisbon, Lisbon.

She pulled back a bit putting a little space between them yet not letting go entirely. Her hair had fallen forward making it impossible to see her face. Jane pushed her hair back gently tucking it behind her ear, needing to see her, read her, see what she was thinking. She looked up at him her eyes shiny with unshed tears. Again something inside of him twisted painfully at seeing this, "I'm sorry."

She gave a crooked little smile, "I know," she then rolled her eyes and let out a long-suffering sigh, "but I doubt it will stop you from doing it again next time."

Happy that she could still joke with him and that she had forgiven or at least was willing to let this go Jane surprised both of them by pulling her close once again and kissing her. Lisbon froze in his arms completely shocked. Fearful that he had once again gone too far he started to pull away but this time she stopped him and began to kiss him back.

Jane's mind screamed at him to stop to go back to a minute before, to never have kissed her to just have made Lisbon laugh and then leave. What had just a moment ago seemed like a good idea just a friendly kiss had turned into so much more. He wasn't ready for this. He never would be, Red John was still out there taunting, torturing him. The serial killer had already cut out his soul with just a few slashes of his bloody knife and now he was trying to chip away at what little Jane had been able to put back together. So why was it he couldn't let Lisbon go and pretend this was all nothing and walk away? Why can't he just stop kissing her? Why did he suddenly feel trapped and yet at the same time freer than he ever had? Why? He didn't know why he just knew that he couldn't make himself let her go couldn't push her away and that terrified him.

But what scared him the most the thing that had him gripped with panic was the fact that the crushing guilt that always came when he made even the smallest step forward to get past the deaths of his wife and child hadn't come. Even the small kiss he had given Sophie on the cheek in gratitude for what she had done for him had not come without some measure of guilt.

Lisbon pulled him out of his head and into the now when she snaked her arms up around his neck pulling him even closer and making him forget about everything but her. Jane threaded his fingers through her dark wavy hair and...

Jane shot upright from the brown leather couch at the CBI that he had claimed as his unofficial 'work' space, his heart slamming ageist his ribs.

"Jane, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," Van Pelt said as she picked up the remains of her broken coffee mug and mopped up the mess with what looked like some fast food chain's paper napkins. When Jane didn't respond or even acknowledge that she had said anything or even that she was there she paused what she was doing and looked up at him concerned, "Jane are you okay?"

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Jane just stood up from the couch still looking a little dazed and walked out of the office and onto the nearest elevator. Van Pelt looked after him, concerned she had never seen him act like that before. Even Cho was watching the retreating man with only the slightest lifting of his brow to show he too found Jane's behavior strange and worrisome. Rigsby walked into the bullpen with a small tea towel from the break room to help Grace clean up the spilled coffee and saw both his teammates looking at the elevators. His gaze followed theirs' but saw nothing he then quickly scanned the room to find that Jane was gone. "What's going on? Where'd Jane go?" Sounding as confused as the other two appeared to be.

"Do you think we should follow him?" the redhead asked her voice full of concern.

"No." the Asian man stated as he turned back to his computer to finish his reports.

Rigsby looked to the elevators then back at the other two, "follow who?"

"I've never seen him like that. He really seemed shaken up. Don't you think we should see if he's alright?" Grace persisted, ignoring Rigsby's question, as she got up from the floor the broken mug and spilled coffee completely forgotten.

Cho just continued typing, "No, he can take care of himself."

"Who?" Rigsby demanded as he once again looked about the room and noted the empty couch, "Jane? Why would you want to follow Jane? What happened?"

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Tell me what you think.


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